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Paul Beighley 05-03-2013 12:03 PM

New Verse
I'm not entirely satisfied with this one, since the verse scheme made it difficult to compose.


When I see the ocean,
It just feels me with emotion,
And it makes me want to sing,
On a carousel that's spinning,
And I know that I am winning
Cause I've caught the golden ring.

There's a ship that I am meeting.
I'll receive a cordial greeting
As I slowly make my way.
Then soon I will be cruising.
The vacation that I'm choosing
Will most surely make my day.

To cruise among the fishes
Is among my fondest wishes
And great pleasure plays its part.
There is no compromising
When the silver moon is rising
And it warms my waking heart.

jack2007 05-05-2013 03:20 AM

I think you are right not to be satisfied

I think it might have been better with 4 lines
possibly lines 2 an 4 rhyming and the other two lines without rhyme

You could have tried free verse ( without rhyme ) but not all poets are comfortable writing this way.

However with the title of the poem "expectations" I think it would be well suited to the style of Enjambment...why don't you give it a go ?

LisaP 05-05-2013 05:47 AM

I love it. I agree that the AABCCB scheme is tough. The only suggestion I have is to make the first stanza consistent with the others by closing the sentence at the end of the third line and adjusting the fourth to start a new one. Overall, it is fantastic -- you have a talent that I do not possess and that I, therefore, admire.

Thank you for the share.

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