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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 09-03-2007, 09:11 PM
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 862
Now that's funny. Yes I do remember her. She used to do the Andy Williams special with him all the time. She had that ***y French accent. Unfortunately she must have carried a Smith and Wesson as well.
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 09-03-2007, 09:13 PM
goin' cruisin''s Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Cameron Park, CA
Posts: 1,395
Spider lived up the road about half an hour from me ....in Kyburz, east of Placerville.
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 09-04-2007, 05:12 AM
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: New York
Posts: 1,790
Suzycruise, You came to mind with this one! Of course, it applies to my "neck of the woods" too.

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different.

“The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn’t get pregnant again.”

Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earline with me.”
  #14 (permalink)  
Old 09-04-2007, 09:52 AM
SuzyCruise's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 225
That's funny, A'ndrea.

Here's one that my husband likes to tell. He told it to an international crowd at Hedonism II in Negril where we were married in 1995. Some people didn't get it. But, I think everyone here will.

There were two cannibals eating a clown. One of them looked at the other and said, "Does something taste funny to you?"
  #15 (permalink)  
Old 09-04-2007, 07:38 PM
Bruce Barratt's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Montreal Canada
Posts: 417
This guy walks into a bar. OUCH!
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 09-04-2007, 07:51 PM
Bruce Barratt's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Montreal Canada
Posts: 417

This guy ties two parakeets to his arms and jumps off a bridge.
When the paramedics put his mangled body into the ambulance he mumbles..
"I just wanted to try budgie jumping"
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 09-04-2007, 07:53 PM
goin' cruisin''s Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Cameron Park, CA
Posts: 1,395
Now 'dem are shaggy dog jokes!

Why did Tigger get his head stuck in the toilet?

He was searching for Pooh.
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 09-04-2007, 07:57 PM
Bruce Barratt's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Montreal Canada
Posts: 417
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 09-04-2007, 08:01 PM
Bruce Barratt's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Montreal Canada
Posts: 417
A whole family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm off the shores
of Florida, but towed to safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever alert U.S. Coast

"I always knew God would take care of us," said the composed five year
old daughter of the boat owner after the family got home.

"I like to hear you say that," beamed the mother. "Always remember that God is
in his heaven watching over us."

"Oh, I wasn't talking about that God," the five year old interrupted.

"I was talking about the COAST God."
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 09-04-2007, 09:03 PM
Chef Ken's Avatar  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Bloomington, MN
Posts: 2,259
A conversation with a doctor and his patient:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life
of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and
corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an
efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?
Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of
the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If
you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable
oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should
only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the
best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about
food and diets.
And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body
thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on
nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those
conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans .
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and
suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you
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