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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 09-05-2007, 05:27 AM
Spiritfilled's Avatar  
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 1,155
Here's one:

A man was walking in the country and he felt himself getting very tired so he came to this barn and found this farmer who was just by chance selling a horse. The man offered to by the horse from the farmer the farmer said ok but I must tell you a few things about this horse you should pay close attention to this my friend. This horse is a very religious horse he only responds to certain sayings now if you want this horse to walk you must say to him....Praise the Lord and he will walk, if you want him to run you must say to him....Thank God and if you want him to stop you must say Amen. So the man took the horse and rode off. The man saw this beautiful area of land with a water fall and green grass so he wanted to get to it but he had to be careful not to go over the waterfall, so he said to the horse Praise the Lord and the horse began to walk towards the waterfall, well he wasn't getting there fast enough so he said to the horse....Thank God and the horse began to run, Well the horse was running so fast that the man got scared he tried to stop the horse from running before the horse got to the edge of the waterfall, he said oh my I forgot what to say...he said Jesus and the horse kept running, he said Dear Lord and the horse kept running finally it came to him just as the horse got right to the edge of the falls he said Amen and the horse stopped just in time and the man said whoosh Thank God and the horse ran right off the falls!!!

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  #22 (permalink)  
Old 09-05-2007, 06:06 AM
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Central Coast of California
Posts: 379
Here are some samples of excuses that parents wrote for their children:

Jane was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  #23 (permalink)  
Old 09-05-2007, 02:48 PM
Bruce Barratt's Avatar
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Montreal Canada
Posts: 417
Bad Day At Hallmark

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day.....?


M y tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.

-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.

################################################## ##

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.

************************************************** ******************************

H appy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

H appy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.


We have been friends for a very long time ..

let's say we stop?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

I 'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.

================================================== ===

C ongratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

S o your daughter's a stripper,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay
  #24 (permalink)  
Old 09-05-2007, 06:11 PM
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 98
Fred and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Fred said to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it." The salesman said, "You just make a small down payment then you don't make another payment for six months. Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said "Who told you about us?"
  #25 (permalink)  
Old 09-05-2007, 06:16 PM
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 98
A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across Florida and were nearing a town called Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it; KISS-a-me, kis-A-me,or kis-a- ME. They grew more perflexed as they drove into town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress, "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that we can understand." The waitress looked at him and said, "Buuuurrrgerr Kiiiinnnng."
  #26 (permalink)  
Old 09-05-2007, 10:24 PM
Svein's Avatar  
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Tonsberg, Norway
Posts: 550
An airplane was crashing and in the last minutes before the crash a woman stood up and screamed: I need to experience someone making me feel like a woman!

A man immediately took off his shirt and said: Here, iron this!

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  #27 (permalink)  
Old 09-05-2007, 11:26 PM
Frase's Avatar  
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Orlando, FLA
Posts: 961
I just got this joke today by email:

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners"

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man
wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from
your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
  #28 (permalink)  
Old 09-06-2007, 05:10 AM
Chef Ken's Avatar  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Bloomington, MN
Posts: 2,259
An 80-year old man goes in for a physical. All of his tests come back
with normal results.

The doctor says, "Chuck, everything looks great. How are you doing
mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Chuck replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so
he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the
bathroom, POOF! the light goes on. When I'm done, POOF! the light goes

"WOW, That's incredible" the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Chuck's wife. "Ethel," he
says, "Chuck is doing fine! But I had to call you as I am in awe of his
relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and
POOF! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done POOF! the
light goes off?

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaims. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
  #29 (permalink)  
Old 09-06-2007, 09:01 AM
goin' cruisin''s Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Cameron Park, CA
Posts: 1,395
Three couples (one elderly, one middle aged, and one young) want to join a church, and as they go through some counseling with the pastor, the last caveat for joining the church is that they must remain celibate for 30 consecutive days. The pastor asks each of the couples if they still want to join the church, to which, each couple answers yes. 30 days go by, and the three couples are back in the pastor's office. He first turns to the elderly couple and asks if they remained celibate for 30 days, to which they replied "yes," and the pastor welcomed them to the church. He asked the same question of the middle aged couple, and they too responded with "yes." "Welcome to our church," said the pastor. He turned to the young couple and asked the same question, to which the husband answered: "well, we made it through 28 days, but on the 29th, well, my wife dropped a head of lettuce, and when she bent over in her mini skirt to pick it up, well, we just couldn't help ourselves." The pastor said sternly, "I'm sorry, you are not welcome in our church." The husband blushed and said, "well, that's okay, we're not welcome in Winn Dixie, anymore, either."
  #30 (permalink)  
Old 09-06-2007, 09:17 AM
goin' cruisin''s Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Cameron Park, CA
Posts: 1,395
And another one:

The American tourist in France had one goal, and that was to hear the ringing of the bells at the Cathedral of Notre Dame. He arrives, and hears the beautiful music ringing from the tower and decides he must find out how the music is made. He climbs the stairs and sees Quasimoto pull the bell back, let's it release, swinging away from Quasimoto, and on the bell's return swing, Quasimoto braces himself for impact, and the bell hits him squarely in the face, and beautiful music rings out. Quasimoto does this several times and the American tourist says "Quasimoto, I must make beautiful music like you." So, the tourist pulls the bell back, lets it go and sticks his face out in anticipation of beautiful music ringing out from the bell's impact with his face. The bell hits the tourist, but he hadn't braced himself, and although beautiful music rang out, the tourist was knocked out of the bell tower window, and splat, down on the ground, dead. The French police came and were asking witnesses what had happened. Nobody knew, until Quasimoto came down from the bell tower. The police asked Quasimoto if he knew the name of the tourist, to which Quasimoto responded "I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell."

I know, a long way to go, but that's a joke I just love.
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