NOTE: In the interest of full disclosure, cruise purists will find no redeeming social value in this post so I urge you to close the post and move on.
That said, I am two weeks away from a two-week cruise on the Brilliance in which we are at sea for five consecutive days before making our first landfall. Facing the stress of five days in a small room with SailorJill, I have compiled a wish list of the ten things that could make this my best cruise.
In no particular order:
1.A note from my mommy that would excuse me from lifeboat drill.
2.Two doors in my cabin, with one opening directly into the dinning room and the other directly onto the sundeck/pool area. (I think requesting a third door opening into the Schooner Bar would probably be unrealistic and a little presumptuous.)
3.A mutation in the Norwalk virus so that it would only infect people in bars and would instantly sober them up before they could actually make it up to the Karaoke machine.
4.A “Beam me up Scotty” machine that would instantly transport me from my balcony stateroom (from which I did not fall) to the airport departure gate.
5.Designer sunglasses that would block both the harmful UV rays and the harmful images of men in bikini Speedos.
6.A shore excursion to the Playboy Mansion (preferably during the annual Pajama Party.)
7.Entertainers that would tell jokes that were not first used on the Jack Benny show.
8.Peabody’s “Way Back” machine that would allow me to go back and repeat a really good day.
9.And, taking a cue from the Olive Garden; the Bottomless Tender- a Tender that would expand to hold all the people wanting to go ashore in a single trip.
10.A really good handbook on how to make a still. A thorough reading of RCI’s liquor policy states that you cannot bring liquor on board. Apparently, however, it does not prevent you from actually making it once on the ship. And as, to the best of my knowledge, the brewing process does not require either a coffee maker or an iron, bringing the components on board should not be in violation of any RCI policy.